My 18-year-old Self Was an Ass

This is an actual college paper I wrote at the ripe old age of 18. I’ve included present day commentary as well. This is embarrassing but when have I shied away from embarrassing myself? This paper is exactly as handed in – errors and all. Enjoy, this girl was an ass.

                         Gender Role Identity

      I am definitely more feminine than masculine and I can’t think of a time when it was any other way.  I have since childhood, been interested in things which people usually constitute as “girlish”, from dress up to Barbie.  I now enjoy shopping, cooking, and having tea with friends (at this point in my life I had NEVER once had “tea with friends.I still haven’t.)

When I say I think of myself as feminine I am referring to not only my sex (oh whew, was worried there) but, my outward appearance, my attitude, my perceptions, and by (typo, ugh, how embarrassing) beliefs.  I try to look nice everyday by applying makeup and styling my hair (pretentious much??)  I keep my nails polished, I love taking hot baths and I enjoy all of these things.  I’m not interested in the things that are considered masculine like cars and sports and I never feign interest in order to impress a guy (probably because I’d only ever had ONE boyfriend who didn’t like these things. But I did “feign interest” in video games – until I had to play them).

Some women may scoff (WTF is up with my word choices??) at this but I like to let men do things for me, things I could do myself but don’t.  I like them to open doors for me and let me walk ahead (seriously, I NEVER walked ahead. And what is with this “men” stuff? I had ONE boyfriend … who I later married).  I like for men to allow me to order first in a restaurant and for them to pick up the tab (I guess this was OK since the fanciest place I’d been up until this time was Sizzler. And yes, I got the all-you-can-eat shrimp.)  These are things I am quite capable of doing myself and I don’t allow men to do them so that I look helpless- I simply think it is polite.

I have never been in, nor do I foresee ever being in, a situation in which I try to act more masculine.  I don’t pretend to be proficient or able to hold my own in a conversation about sports, cars or most political goings on (I stand by the first but this last one is bullshit now).  I have no desire to increase my knowledge of these things but if I ever felt the need to, I would not hesitate.  I don’t try to portray myself as needy in the departments (again, proofreading would have been nice. Maybe I should have had a “man” do that for me, simply because it is polite) and I don’t have to have a man in order to fix my car (Nope. I can pay Sam to do that at Jiffy Lube or one of those “car fixering places.”)  I’m intelligent enough (this paper should prove that) to figure for myself what needs to be done by reading a manual (although this doesn’t mean I would roll under the car to do the work myself unless I absolutely had to) (ok, bwahahahahah. I still don’t think I would roll under a car to fix anything. My tiara might fall off) and taking necessary steps to get it taken care of.

I think being a mother is the most important job a woman can have.  What is of more value in life than raising a happy, healthy, morally sound child (OMG. Could my 18 year old self have been more righteous?? Morally sound … sigh.)  Some women say this is insane for a woman can be both a mother and a career woman (umm, yeah. Because it’s true!)  I say one has to give up something in this equation and as children of today are proving, it is usually them and the family that suffers (ummm, yeah, I got nothin on this one given I was and am, a working mom with kids who are doing wonderfully, despite my selfishness in choosing to work and do something for ME.).   I don’t try to be a man – I’m a woman and I like being a woman.  I like flowers, and perfume and romantic walks on the beach (Jesus, I had NEVER had a romantic walk on the beach or anywhere else at this age).  If men or women don’t like this, they needn’t have a relationship with me (yes, so there! HMPF. I didn’t have a lot of friends … I think I might know why.)  I enjoy my femininity and I am always conscious of what I am doing and saying while making sure I am being perceived as a lady (OH GOOD LORD! Can someone stop this girl from speaking?)

This ends the most pretentious, righteous college paper ever written. For the professor who had to read it, I’m sorry. For those who had to listen to this (I am hoping this was all part of my inside dialog at this time of my life), I am also sorry.

I’m off to work on my book while ignoring my kids. I am doing it without nail polish or makeup and my hair is NOT styled (I should have used the word coiffed – silly little girl). Later today, I’ll be taking a long, romantic walk down the wine aisle but I’ll be walking AHEAD of any men!


Also, my BOOK, Just Tell Me I’m Pretty is coming out!

It’s a humorous and heart-felt look at all things female – motherhood, saggy boobs, friendship, sleeping during yoga, parenting sons, ADHD, and more.

I would love to be able to easily let you know when you can pre-order the book so sign up for information, give-aways, and more below.

In the meantime, you can keep up with the funny on my Facebook page,

One Comment

  1. HAHAHAHAHA. Seriously your comments slay me. Can’t wait for the book.

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