Saying goodbye can be hard. At times, it can be excruciating. Like when you have to say a final good-bye to someone who has passed or mourn the last time your child sucked their thumb. But some goodbyes are whispers of endings. They happen so softly, so smoothly, you don’t even realize you’re saying goodbye. Until the day you wake, think about a person and realize it has been months or maybe even years since you’ve spoken.
Those are the goodbyes of my life right now. The whispers.
I’m guessing it’s just the age I am and where life is right now. That time where kids are active, school functions seem to occur hourly, sports (enough said), time with family, date nights and needing some personal time to unwind, takes precedent over “girl time.” When we all have jam packed schedules, even more packed minds and life seems to be leading us around on a tight leash, instead of us choosing how we spend our time. I’m guessing. I’m hoping.
Because I am saying goodbye a lot, without saying a word. I am finding myself untethered to my female friends like never before. Where evenings out turn into lunches here and there, sandwiched between meetings and needing to pick up kids. Where those lunches then turn to texts about all the things we “want” to do – movies, girls night, makeover, spa day – until the text turn into simple, “Hello, thinking of you!” I’m into the stage where even the texts are few and far between. That stage where I am sure I am on my friends’ mind, but even a text is an item on a to-do list and one that will probably be put off until tomorrow. I know, because they are also on my to-do list.
I won’t lie and say that I am all-accepting of this and that it is “fine,” because while I do accept and I understand, I’m still sad. I am mourning the loss of my connections, my lifeline to the outside world; outside of kids and homework, sibling fights and blending family struggles. That time where I could unwind with those who knew me best and just be me. Where I could escape life for a bit, with other women who needed that escape as desperately as I did, and envelop myself in the warmth of female bonding. Where I could melt into a hug, rejoice in the little triumphs of life, lament the passing of time and the growing of kids, the struggles that are life and imbibe in a glass of wine. We’d eat too much, (because hey! female bonding!) and this is a woman who KNOWS how much I love dessert. She knows me, she loves me and because of this, she too is eating too much dessert. Comradery. We are smiling and happy in our sisterhood.
I miss that. I miss my women.
That said, I know this is the cycle a lot of us go through and I am not angry or hurt, just sad. Sad that the goodbyes are so frequent, so silent. I know there is no anger, no betrayal or ill-intent. In fact, I know the love is still there. The desire is ever present; the hope that life will slow down and allow for that time to gather again, bond over nachos and chocolate cake. I know that when that time comes, I’ll be ready, my fat pants on, my heart filled with the love I’ve been storing, ready to pour into hugs, laughs, glasses of wine and too much dessert.
Until then, I’ll send a text, letting them know I’m thinking of them. Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow.